Shut Up!
The quietening of the voice and its impact on grief.
“Danni-YELL, that’s an appropriate name for you isn’t it!” berated my second grade teacher. Standing in double line formation waiting for our teacher to usher us into the classroom, I had taken it upon myself to ensure that all were in order and had delivered instructions to those at the rear of the line. Mid instruction, the teacher arrived and made the comment that has impacted me deeply throughout life.
It may seem benign, but to me his words were a reflection of and an attack on my identity and understanding of self. It was also humiliating in front of my peers. The narrative I accepted was that I was too loud, my voice was not worthy of being heard, that I need to shut up. Be seen and not heard.
Why am I telling you this story?
I raise it because this is precisely what the world does to us in our time of grief. Our voice is often shut down. If the frequency or volume is too high, we are told to quieten down, to lower our voice, to grieve quietly. This is incredibly damaging to our emotional health. It means that we suppress emotions that need to come out to maintain mental and physical health.
This leads me to the old fashioned idea of screaming into your pillow. It has some serious merit!
When we are grieving, we are expected to cry but more dynamic expressions of grief involving vocalisation, perhaps screaming or wailing, are frowned upon. It sits outside acceptable behaviour dictated to us by societal norms. The problem here is that in order to effectively deal with those emotions, vocalising is exactly what we need to do. If we internalise the pain, we get sick. If we vocalise, we release the pain and can make room for hope.
Grief is like soda water in a bottle. When we lose someone or experience a trauma, it’s as if the bottle is violently shaken and the pressure builds up inside it. If we unscrew the lid without consideration for the volatile contents, we can cause damage not only to ourselves but to our relationships with others. Vocalising, singing, humming, breathing can act as a release valve, slowly and consistently releasing the pressure, so that over time, the pressure and pain are relieved and our mind, body and souls can heal.
Don’t let the world frame how you deal with your grief. Be free to use your voice, scream into that pillow, cry as hard as you need, breathe as deeply as you can.