I’m Scared!

I’m not going to lie, writing this section is a frightening prospect for me.

It requires a vulnerability and exposure that I have successfully avoided my entire lifetime. I feel safe in the shadows. But, it is time to come out from my hiding place, in the hope that my experiences will shine a light on a dark path for others.

Having walked with grief for decades now, perhaps the most important thing I have learned is that we each must find a modality for healing that fits our uniqueness. There is no single pathway that guarantees successful outcomes for all. We must try a range of options to work out what unlocks healing for each of us.

After battling Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma for 18 years, I watched my beautiful mother fade away having tried all that the medical fraternity had to offer. I was 28 and it was devastating. I had no frame of reference for this kind of grief. There was no internet, no books, no resources, no help.

I had been singing since I was 3 years old but after my mothers death, I stopped… for years. I swallowed the grief and could not make a sound lest it all come rushing out like a violent wave which I could not contain. I had to maintain control, because that’s what was expected.

When we don’t process grief, we get sick. It’s that simple.

I got sick.

Learning to use my voice again was confronting, painful and yet strangely liberating.  I desperately wanted to understand why grief affects us as it does and to source a paradigm for music healing that occurred, for me, organically.  

To gain insight, I attended the Victorian College of the Arts and the Melbourne Conservatorium of Music (The University of Melbourne) and was blessed to receive instruction and guidance from the most esteemed teachers and pedagogy in Australia, indeed the world. I have since performed for audiences across a range of genres, both locally and abroad, on the grand opera stage and intimate performance spaces. Amidst many other projects, I have the highest honour of singing for those in end of life care. A more humble and sacred experience, one could not find.

Music has restored me to joy.

Like anything worthwhile, it is a daily discipline.

With over 20 years of experience in law enforcement, I am also acutely in tune with the trauma of others and have had the incredible privilege of supporting people during their darkest days. However, after so many years, the cumulative exposure to grief and trauma causes changes to one’s physical and mental capacity, and so…

I burnt out.

A tsunami of work related trauma surfaced and I ended up swimming against the raging tide of PTSD.

When our trauma bucket is full, we get sick. I used to be ashamed to admit this but if I don’t, I am perpetuating this silence that threatens to devour us rather than open our hearts in preparation for healing. If not me, then who?

I’ve been there too.

Music for Grief has been on my heart for over 10 years. Honestly, I’ve been too scared to show up in the world this way, but no longer. So, as we push past fear, the healing begins.

Dannielle xx