The 5 Stages of Grief
and How they help you navigate loss.
Having recently read On Grief and Grieving, Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross MD and David Kessler I thought to briefly explore these five stages and to clarify their usefulness in understanding the grieving process.
The 5 stages of grief have often been interpreted as being linear, where one precedes the next, but this is not the intention. We are not designed to experience grief in a sequential, systematic way. The reality is, that all stages may be in operation within us simultaneously or that a person may stay in one stage longer than another and experience tension during transition from one stage to another. It is important to understand that whilst we broadly experience similar emotions, they manifest differently for each of us and we must try to be sensitive to others walking through these emotional landscapes.
The 5 stages of grief are; Denial; Anger; Bargaining; Depression; Acceptance. As we move through them, consider where you have been and where you are moving towards. Even after many years without a loved one, you may still experience these emotions, perhaps in decreasing measure.
Stage 1 - Denial
Denial is the feeling that you experience when you return home to an empty, quiet house where you reflect on the disbelief associated with your loved one never walking up the stairs again, never sitting on the lounge or cooking in the kitchen. These are images that have become synonymous with the person in your mind and to consider that you will never experience their presence again may be too difficult. Denial is the feeling that a world without your loved one is inconceivable. It is a mechanism used by your subconscious to cope and it is generally accompanied by a sense of numbness. Have you experienced this?
The numbness is a strange phenomenon. I liken it to the body’s natural emotional morphine. For a period of time, you are aware that there are intense emotions beneath the surface, but they are covered with a thin veil suppressing their expression. It allows the body to deal with the shock and come to terms with the fact that life will never be the same.
After the death of my mother, even though I was there when she passed, I still felt a sense of denial and certainly of numbness that lasted months. My body wasn’t ready to deal with the aftermath of that loss and the injection of natural morphine into my system meant that I could continue to function each day, to plan a funeral and deal with her affairs. Whilst I never felt truly present, I was able to function.
Ultimately, denial and the associated numbness shift and the reality of the situation must be faced. Whilst in denial, you may be asking yourself:
Did this really happen?
Are they really gone forever?
How did this happen?
You will analyse every emotion, movement, decision in an effort to discover the reason why your loved one died. You must be kind to yourself during this time. Understand that your body and your mind need time and space to digest what has happened.
Stage 2 - Anger
The anger associated with losing a loved one can be difficult to negotiate. It may be overwhelming and all encompassing at times. You may be angry at yourself for something you did or did not do, angry at your loved one for leaving you, angry at medical staff for failing to cure your loved one from illness. Situations that would ordinarily wash over you now cause you great distress.
It is helpful to understand anger as a defence mechanism, connected with your intrinsic fight or flight response. Anger arises as your body and mind begin to process emotion resulting from the loss. The more emotion you begin to feel, pain, loneliness, sadness, the more anger you may experience. I liken it to having swallowed all the emotions at the death of your loved one and for a time operating in numbness. Then, as you begin to process what has happened, you bring up measured quantities of those emotions, which are met by anger. Anger serves to protect you from those emotions, preventing them from taking over.
In my own experience, I was incredibly angry with the medical fraternity. I perceived that they experimented on my mother during her 18 years of treatment for Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. Whilst I recognise that there have been great strides made in treatments used in present day, I still experience anger as I process the pain at watching her go through what I perceived to be barbaric treatments very early on in the fight against this insidious disease.
Whilst in anger, you may be asking yourself:
How could this have happened to me/us/them?
Who’s fault is this?
Why didn’t I do this or that?
Why didn’t they look after themselves better?
Why didn’t the medical staff…?
Those of us working through a period of anger will often isolate ourselves. This can be destructive to our self worth and ability to function in the world. Please, stay connected with those who love you and care about you and who understand the importance of fully experiencing your anger and who will help you find constructive ways to deal with it. I chose music and exercise. What might you choose?
Stage 3 - Bargaining
Bargaining seeks to restore us to how life was before our loss. Were we operate in a state of ‘what if’ or ‘if only’. ‘If only we had found the cancer sooner’, ‘What if I had done this/said that?’ It is the space where we analyse what could have been, knowing what is, but wishing it were not so. Its purpose is to try to negotiate our way out of the pain.
Bargaining can also help us move from one stage of loss to another. It keeps our suffering at a distance and gives us something seemingly constructive to concentrate on other than the pain itself. Whilst we are busily trying to negotiate, reconcile or analyse the situation, our emotions are kept at bay.
You may find these bargaining phrases familiar:
If only I could take their place.
If they must endure this, I want it to be painless.
I will see them again.
We have experienced enough loss, no more!
Stage 4 – Depression
The emptiness of loss is a feeling like no other. It is a heavy blanket covering our existence, under which we withdraw from the world. The intensity of sadness makes one question whether there is any use in continuing. There is little joy in any part of life and there is little energy to commit to the most mundane tasks.
Depression can descend like a wave and linger a while but it serves a purpose. It allows you to experience and reconcile the deepest emotions that we accumulate after a loss. It is from these depths, that liberty from grief ultimately rises.
Western society often prescribes an acceptable timeframe for the experience of depression after loss. The reality is that dealing with depression from the loss of someone you love is deeply personal. What may be time enough for me, may not be enough for you. We cannot put people in a box and force them to move on when they are not ready. To do so would be detrimental to their long term mental and physical health. In grief, depression is a way for nature to keep us protected by shutting down the nervous system so that we can adapt to something we feel we cannot handle.
Whilst in depression, you may ask yourself:
How can I go on living without them?
Am I ever going to feel normal again?
Is this pain ever going to subside?
As difficult as it is to endure depression, it allows us to rebuild ourselves after a loss and to learn and grow through the experience.
Stage 5 – Acceptance
When we reach the stage of acceptance, we rationalise our loss even though we may not like it nor understand it. This allows us to rebuild our lives and to find our place in the world again, in the absence of our loved one. It is the realisation that this is a permanent change and that we now must learn to adjust and adapt to this new way of being.
Acceptance, in my own experience, took the form of appreciating that my mother was no longer in pain and that her death was not ‘goodbye’, but ‘see you soon’. My mother was the cornerstone of our little family and when she passed away, I was thrust into her shoes, taking on her roles and responsibilities. I didn’t feel worthy or capable at the time, but I slowly rebuilt my life around this new reality, filling the void she left in relationships with our immediate and extended family.
As our capacity grows, we open our hearts up to exploring who our loved one was in life. Rather than being focused on what has been taken away, our focus concentrates on who they were, what they contributed and what we can learn from their experiences. It helps to shape our identity even in their absence.
When you reach acceptance, you may say to yourself:
As difficult as it is without them, I must live my best life for them.
I must be grateful each day for my health, friends and family.
I want to learn as much as I can about who they were so that I know who I am.
Experiencing the loss of a loved one is extremely difficult. As you move through these stages, in whichever direction, you will have good days and bad days. It is important that you acknowledge and honour where you are at and surround yourselves with those who love and care for you. Give grief the time and space it needs. There is no prize for being the fastest to deal with loss or to be the one who grieves the longest. It is a deeply personal journey which should not be unnecessarily influenced by external factors.
If you need help, call LifeLine on 13 11 14 or Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 in Australia or equivalent international support service.